Last night, I watched the movie “Blue Valentine” at work without knowing what it was about. And after, I cried for a solid hour because I realized how fucking empty I was inside. I felt like my whole life has been spent waiting for it to get “better” but it just hasn’t. There have been good parts, but the general tone of my life has been shitty. And I just realized that I didn’t want to wake up in twenty years next to someone I don’t love, working a job I hate, and thinking “Oh…shit.”
I came to see how angry I was at my life. How what my dad did to my mother and me is something that I will never, ever get over. How I have these incredible trust issues due to what he and my therapist did for twelve years while I was blissfully unaware. How I innately don’t trust men thanks to the handful of bad ones who have ruined their gender for me. How I’m so sad that there are really good guys out there who will have to actively convince me to trust them. How even though I get out of bed every day, work 60+ hours a week, rarely cry, and interact socially, I’m still incredibly depressed.
How I push everyone away because it’s so much easier than letting them in and opening myself up. Because when you let someone in, they get to see the fucked up things you do, think, and have experienced. They get to know you intimately, and then they know your weaknesses. They know which spots in your heart have scabs, which have scars, and which are still fleshy and tender. If they wanted to, they would know exactly how to take you down.
And I was just so angry that a movie about some fictional characters could make me feel that way. So I decided that the best way to stop feeling that way was to fix it. I decided that I can let go of all the anger I’ve been holding in for years, for the most part. I can forgive the people who hurt me for the things they didn’t mean to do. I can try to trust people again. I can try to be more open with the people I care about, bit by bit. So when I left work at 8:00am and walked out the door into the 70 degree spring weather, I felt good. I knew things weren’t in a good place, but I knew I was going to get them there. I was planning on calling a new therapist and doing whatever it takes to get me on a good track.
My 22nd birthday is Wednesday. I figured that the anniversary of one’s birth (or a new year, or any other…big date) is a great time for a fresh start. To erase the slate, and say “today is the day that I stop living in this rut.”
I was ready. In fact, I was more than ready. I actually took steps today to try and fix what was broken in my life and in my relationships.
And you know what happened? I got shit on (in the metaphorical sense…no Cleavland Steamers here, folks). I’m not trying to be a victim here, and play a pity card. I know that I am not innocent in this particular circumstance. I know that he and I went punch-for-punch time after fucking time. But I also know that I really, truly was working on putting aside the hurt and the drama we shared and moving forward as friends. But beyond all of that, I know that I did not deserve what he did tonight. And yes, I know he’s reading this. And yes, I know he told me not to “put dumb shit on your tumblr” about him. But, this isn’t really about him. This is about me. It just so happened that his timing was so exquisitely perfect as to make me realize that everything I had planned last night was bullshit.
Yes, my life sucks. In twenty years, it will still suck. I am going to have bad days, and no one is going to fucking care, except for me (and probably two or three other souls on this planet, including my mother). Because in the end, no one gives a fuck about you except for you. We’re all just looking out for our own self interests, and rarely give a shit about what happens to the people we hurt along the way. Of course, there are exceptions to that. So maybe I should stop caring about the people who have hurt me so deeply throughout my (nearly) 22 years, and start focusing on the people who never leave.
I will let myself be upset. Fuck, I’m allowed to be. Someone I considered to be one of my closest friends just cut himself out of my life (for the third and absolutely final time). I am totally okay with letting myself cry on the floor of my bathroom (because I hate having to run there in time to puke in the toilet), lying in bed tonight with the blankets over my head, and cuddling my dachshund stuffed animal. I am okay with acknowledging the hurt, because Boy Howdy it fucking does hurt. But tomorrow, when my feet hit the floor, I’m starting fresh. It’ll be the last day of my 21st year. And for fuck’s sake, it’s going to be a great day, even if I have to die trying. I know it will always hurt. And little things, inside jokes, and stupid shit will always remind me of the people who hurt me the most in my life, and I will still miss them. I get that. But I also get that if I allow myself to be hung up on these people I will never get anywhere in my life.
As fucked up as it is, I’m thankful for the hurt, because it reminds me exactly why I need to move on.
P.S.—This is the only time in this post that I am addressing you directly (don’t worry, I won’t text or call or message you ever again after this moment): The things I post here are not about one person. In fact, most of them aren’t even about anyone. Sometimes I can just empathize with a feeling, a sentiment, a quote, or an expression that I see posted. This is my tumblr, and I’m allowed to post what I want, just the way you are allowed to say whatever vague and angry things you say in your internet space. Don’t read too much into the things I put here. Well, I guess that actually goes for anyone reading the things I put up here. When we are so sure that we will see ourselves in something, we’re certain to find it. If it’s about you, you’ll definitely know (case in point: this post script). Also, we both know I didn’t deserve the “goodbye” I got from you. I thought you were above that. Regardless, I hope that life is kind to you; as it is, I still only hope for your happiness. I’ll miss you for many reasons. Well, goodbye then.
