1. In which Lia fails massively

    • Lia: Side note: I also have a date.
    • Lia: lojk
    • Lia: ...loljk
    • Ryan: haha
    • Lia: God damnit I fucked that all up. Lemme try this again.
    • Ryan: NOPE.
    • Ryan: NO SECOND CHANCES.
    • Lia: Side note: I also have a date.
    • Lia: LOLJK DYING ALONE WITH 27 CATS WHO WILL EAT MY DEAD BODY.
    • Ryan: At least you'll provide something for them in death then.
    • Lia: Duh. I'm a champ.
    • Lia: Anyway yeah, I failed at that.
    • Ryan: Like most things.
    • Lia: THANKS FOR THE REMINDER.
    • Ryan: It's what I'm here for.

  2. In which best friends know each other too well

    • Ryan: So I've got a date next weekend.
    • Lia: With a real girl? Or like with a motorcycle or your hand or something?
    • Ryan: Well my hand. But also a girl.
    • Lia: Hooray! So, do go on…about the girl, not the hand (I understand how that works very well).
    • Ryan: Well she's got 5 fingers and I call her Palmela. Pam for short.
    • Lia: Oh, I expected her name to be Jill, but you know.
    • Him: "You have this...extraordinary DNA in you. It's beautiful. Not in a superficial way about your looks, I mean I know you're pretty, but like, whatever, man, whatever, you're just really beautiful and I hope you get that."
    • Me: "I wouldn't go so far as to say any of that."
    • Him: "No, of course you wouldn't, that's why I'm here. You have really strong emotions and a strong love and way about you. Find people who are willing to reciprocate, and give it all to them."

  4. Yeah, you're welcome.

    • Brad: What does one do with his last 3 hours of internet?
    • Lia: Buy a mail-order bride, duh.
    • Brad: Good point. Know any good sites, considering your vast mail-order bride history, of course?
    • Lia: IMAFUCKINGMAILORDERBRIDEBUYME.com
    • Brad: Excellent, got one on the way.
    • Lia: Fuck yeah.

  5. And you like it, too.

    • Brad: I am not a dork.
    • Lia: DON'T YOU LIE TO ME.
    • Brad: FINE, SORRY, I AM A HUGE DORK.
    • Lia: Oh, thanks for clearing that up, I was confused.
    • Brad: No problem. Also, isn't a whale's penis known as a dork? in that case, I am not a dork.
    • Lia: It is, and you are.

  6. But she's not too young for...uh...nevermind.

    • Announcer: We're here with Miley Cyrus--
    • Group: Uggggggggh.
    • Lia: Your mouth is terrible.
    • Anni: I hate your face.
    • Brad: She's all "I'm too young for braces..."
    • Anni: She already had braces...
    • Brad: Way to ruin the joke.

  7. *Sniffffffff*

    • Matt: Do they make lidocaine powder?
    • Lia: For what?
    • Matt: For cutting with coke, duh.

  8. In Which Lia Nearly Passes Out.

    • Piercer: Uh, are you okay?
    • Lia: *hnnnngh*
    • Piercer: You know we did this like...a month and a half ago, right? So, like, you know exactly what's going to happen.
    • Lia: It's not something I can control, it's a visceral reaction to a needle being that close to my nipple.
    • Piercer: Oh, yeah I totally under--HYAHHHH *jabs* Done.
    • Lia: That's all you've got?
    • Piercer: Don't act all tough with me, missy, when you're nearly passing out on my table.
    • Lia: Was the "hyahhh" really necessary?
    • Piercer: I'm a ninja.

  9. Mmm, trash.

    • Jason: That tumblr site is so hipster, I feel like I need to be in a smokey internet coffee house with people reciting bad poetry in the background, followed up by some crappy acoustic band that will never get signed, whilst sipping a vanilla chai.
    • Lia: (in my head) I like coffee houses, poetry, acoustic bands and vanilla chai. OH GOD, I'M BECOMING HIPSTER TRASH.

  10. In Which The Best and Worst Thing Happen Simultaneously

    • Alarm Clock: RING RING RING GTFO OF BED.
    • Lia: HNNNNGH, NO.
    • Alarm Clock: Do it.
    • Lia: FINE.
    • Clothes: Yeah, we're all stained, so good luck finding something to wear to work.
    • Lia: Stfu.
    • Car: It's freezing cold in here, and the heat isn't going to work until five seconds before you pull into the parking lot.
    • Lia: So same as usual, then?
    • Boss: What are you doing here?
    • Lia: I'm here to work in exchange for a paycheck?
    • Boss: Uhhh, actually, you have the day off. You've known this for a month.
    • Lia: OH MOTHER OF GOD.
    • Car: It's okay, Lia, I'll be nice and toasty for the ride home.
    • Kitties: Hi, Mom! Welcome home!
    • Bed: I've missed you!
    • Lia: Zzzzzzzzzz...

About me

A 20-something Emergency Medical Technician with a penchant for being a bit too wistful.